Snape Didn't Die
by Dena Gray
Summary: This is how things *really* went down in the (boathouse? shrieking shack? whatever!) M for language only, Sorry. A/U slight HGSS, slight HPRW
Okay, you know that scene where Snape dies tragically?

This is how I think it should have really gone down:

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Severus Snape, broody man in black, stood impatiently before his noseless lord and said with great exasperation, "Look, Voldemort, that wand is the absolute shit. You've got nothing to worry about. Chillax."

Snakeface stalked impatiently about, shaking his head. "No...No... _I'm_ the shit, not this bloody stick." Voldemort shook the famous wand in his grasp, much as one would shake a thermometer. It spurted a few blue sparks rather weakly.

Severus was thinking that about summed up his supposed lord's dramatic performance so far, but was distracted by the despot waving his wand about towards Snape's face.

"In fact, I think _you_ fucked it up." He was about to protest vehemently, when Voldemort kept whining, "And that's just fucking typical, isn't it? Everyone always fucks up whatever I ask them to do, all the fucking time."

Severus turned his head and rolled his eyes, but the Dark Lord never even paid him attention. No, everything just had to be about him, didn't it?

Voldemort whined and whined, "Why does everyone always fuck up on me?! I can't get anyone to do anything right, I just have to do it all myself! Nobody likes me!"

God, now he was sniveling. If Snape didn't knock him off that tack, they'd never get to the end of this scene. With an appropriate amount of toadying, he countered, "No, don't say that, you're the shiznit, you just can't expect everyone to be as fucking perfect as you." Under his breath, he added, "Except that nose, but let's not get into that."

"Really."

Snape looked up in panic. Had Voldemort heard his little jibe? Time for some serious redirection! Attack! "Jesus, man, you're fucking paranoid. That's _your_ fucking wand! Just look at the bloody label!"

"What? What label?" Lord love a duck, he actually looked. Was he really that thick? With some quick wandwork, Snape made sure a label did appear, though since it was done that quickly, it probably looked like a five year old wrote it.

With a long-suffering sigh, he stalked over, snatched the wand out of Riddle's hand, held it up to the single light in the (boathouse? Shrieking Shack? Where the hell were they, anyway?) and read aloud, "See? Property of—" he broke off into a mumble, "Says Voldemort right there, clear as day!" With false confidence, he handed the wand back to Voldemort and pointed to the suspicious smudge.

His supposed master looked doubtful, but peered a while at the weird lettering. "Are you sure that says Voldemort? That looks like a..." He squinted his eyes and tilted his head, "uh…"

Snape's spell probably wasn't that good under so much scrutiny. He was surprised as fuck that there were words at all on the damned thing. He was lost in a litany of his superior's stupidity when said stupid superior screeched out, "IS THAT AN 'H'!?"

Shit! He snatched back the wand and gave Voldemort a look he usually reserved for first-years, "That's ridiculous. That's so very obviously a 'V'."

The older man made a grab for the wand, "I think I can tell the difference between an H and a V."

Snape held the wand aloft. Sometimes it was grand to be so tall! "No, look here," he made sure to hold his hand odd so Voldemort couldn't really see what he was doing, "it was a piece of dirt. Says Voldemort, right there." With a quiet flick of his own wand, he fixed the 'label' to read Voldemort properly.

A petulant growl met his ears, "That's an H if I say it's an H."

What the hell? Now that it really read 'Property of I.A.L. Voldemort', he was still going on about an H? Stupid wanker really was thick. "Fine. It's an H." He rolled his eyes again, "They were just stuttering in fear of your very name. I don't know what you're complaining about, it's quite obviously _not_ an S."

He'd completely missed the point. "But what if it's H for Harry? I hate that fucker and I hate that name. It's stupid. Haaaarrrreeeeeyy. So muggle. Doesn't it sound so muggle? This is just typical. Harry fucking Potter has to go and ruin this for me too. Why? Why can't he just leave me alone!"

Oh, Christ, not this again. "What? What does Harry have to do with this wand? He didn't kill Dumbledore. Are you saying he killed Dumbledore?"

Red eyes snapped back to black, "No, _you_ killed Dumbledore."

He lifted his chin in pride, "Bloody right I killed him, the pansy bastard. Bet you would've done it faster!"

Voldemort straightened up his silk robes and preened, "Damn right I would've."

He sighs and glares at Severus after shaking his wand again. Nothing but small blue sparks farted out weakly.

Snakeface looked up again and asked, "Did you get it wet?"

"What?"

"Maybe you got the batteries wet."

Snape's brain stuttered, "Batteries...What? How the hell do you know what batteries—You know what? Never mind." This man was an utter loon, "Have you thought about polishing it?"

What was left of the older man's eyebrows shot ceiling-ward, "Polishing my wand?"

A quiet snuffle of snickering could be heard outside the room. Snape shifted his feet to cover the noise.

Voldemort looked from his hand holding the elder wand, to his hand in his pocket. "Which wand? Snape? Are you hitting on me? Are you offering to polish my wand?"

More choking noises made it clear there were three little dunderheads just outside the door. He quickly covered with, "What? No! You're perfectly capable of polishing your own wand, I'm sure. I just said that because Dumbledore was always polishing his wand. It seemed to work better that way."

A thump followed by hissing made him wonder if that was someone being kicked or Nagini. He looked for her and found her slithering towards them from the opposite side of the room.

Voldemort must be as deaf as his familiar, for he just kept running his fingers contemplatively up and down his wand. After a weird few minutes, he shook it again and got gold sparkles spurting out the end. "Hmm. Nah...I think you fucked it up. When you snuffed Dumbledore, you fucked it up."

"Yeah, well, maybe you'll do your own dirty work next time."

"Ha! So you admit it."

"What? No. I've not done shit to that wand. You went in that creepy fucking vault and snatched it, not me."

"I had to. You let the mother fucker fall off the goddamned astronomy tower."

"If you think I was going to go all the way down there and pick it up off his dead body in the middle of that crowd of people showing off their own wands, you're mental."

"Severus! You're supposed to have been my most trusted man!"

With shocked affront, he gasped, "What are you saying, you can't trust me anymore?"

"Well, what do you think?"

He muttered a little too loudly, "I think you're crazy."

"I heard that! And I think it's time for you to die." Voldemort accio'd Nagini, grabbed her round the neck and shook her at Snape. Poor thing was hissing something awful and looked like it was about to get dizzy-sick all over his boots.

With a look of disgust, he shouted, "What?!"

"Man up, Sev. Your time is up."

"Don't I get any last wishes, at least?"

He shook the snake again. "Oh come on!" She really did look like she was going to be sick.

Snape was backed up against the window and looked around for something to stall with. Where were those sneaky little fuckers in the other room? Were they just going to let him die? "You just said I was your most loyal! Doesn't that get me something?"

He stopped shaking the snake and she wilted in relief. "Fine, sure. I'll let you have one last request. That's it, though!"

"Yes! Okay, hang on." Snape patted down his many-pocketed frock coat and found a bezoar. Eyeing up the snake, he popped the bezoar in his mouth and tried to chew it. "Damn, this shit is hard." He conjured a glass of water and took a too-quick sip which sent him into a coughing fit. He managed to swallow partway, but it got stuck halfway down.

Voldemort looked actually concerned, "Are you okay?"

"Just a sec," Coughing hard a couple of times, he held up a finger to indicate he needed a moment. He stood up straight and threw back his head to swallow the bezoar down.

"Are you done?"

He threw up the finger and glared that he needed more time and took another sip of water. Ah, there it went.

"Seriously. Severus, come on. I've got other people I need to kill."

With a sigh and a mental curse at the idiots on the other side of the door, Snape banished the water, cleared his throat, shook out his arms, and braced himself. "Okay. I got it. Give me your best shot."

Voldemort nodded, but stood still for a moment.

"You can kill me now. I got this."

He seemed hesitant, "Are you sure?"

God, what a wimp, "Yeah, come on. Let's do this."

"I'm not-"

He was ready to get bit by the snake now, dammit, "Come on, man! Do it!"

"What-"

"Do it!"

Snape had yelled so loudly, Voldemort jumped with a little scream, "Ah!" and accidentally threw Nagini at Severus. Seeing what he'd done, the Dark Lord tried to save face by yelling, "Eat Snake!"

The snake made a pitiful little scream, but the action made Snape jump back and scream a bit, himself. Their screaming had Voldemort yipping again, and three more screams were heard from the other room. As soon as the snake hit the floor, one of the boards gave way to drop the heavy serpent down into the Black Lake beneath them (ah, so they were in the boathouse, this must be the movie version). With a loud splash, Nagini slithers away to apparently show up at the ramp just outside the door. More screams (sounded like Weasley) and a very loud, "Oh shit. Can snakes swim?"

"That one can!"

"shit shit shit!"

Three more screams and a hacking noise rang out with some splashing, "Kill it, kill it, kill it!"

A thump rang out as someone apparently fainted. He heard Nagini splash and jump out of the water (that's a very distinct noise, you know) and before he knows it, the snake opened up the door and started charging Voldemort.

Apparently, she was a snake with a score to settle. Voldemort screamed with a severely high pitch and ran out, jazz hands flying and high stepping to try and get away before being bitten. Nagini turned to Snape, gave a snake equivalent of flipping him off and slithered off to dinner. All of them hear a trip, fall, scream and crunch with a little snakey laugh. He shuddered.

His shoulders slumped in relief, but he heard a shifting outside the door and decided to call them on it. "Are you done?"

Three heads poke out. Harry spoke up, "Um...maybe? Are you done?"

He looked around the boathouse and thought perhaps this wasn't such a bad ending after all, "I guess."

Hermione and Ron step into the room with Harry. Harry answers, "K."

Snape responds, "Yep."

Ron puts on a brave front, like he wasn't the only one of them with a wet clod of dirt on his face to indicate that he'd been the one to faint, "So, uh, you good?"

He nods, "Fine."

"Great."

Hermione looks around the room, "So what now?"

Good question. His role was still kind of the bad guy, so he could really get away with anything right now, "I guess I can do whatever I want."

They all stared at each other, but it was Severus who broke the tension by quickly snagging Hermione about the waist and towing her in for a deep, hot kiss. When he finally let her go, she smiled and blushed, "Wow."

He grinned like a cheshire cat.

Harry and Ron look at each other, then to Snape longingly. He glared back and pulled Hermione away with him, "Don't even think about it."

They look back at each other, shrug their shoulders and dive in to start kissing each other madly.

Hermione groaned, "Oh, good grief, finally. I thought they'd never figure that out."

His eyebrow went up, "Are you serious?"

She grinned, "Nope, I'm Hermione. And you should be kissing me again."

"Yes ma'am." With a responding grin, Severus bent her over his forearm for another bone-melting (and making) kiss. The Rating shot up to Mature and end scene!

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Xoxo

Teehee – thank you Yiggersentia for the help with my crack - Dena


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